I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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