Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
As shirtless as possible
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
