she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think i have two assholes
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
