do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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