I just made out with a guy for $7.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize