I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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