wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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