my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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