my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
