i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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