I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
