mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
