This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
