Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
