There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
