i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
