Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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