I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
