mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize