I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
