I think I won the penis lottery.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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