I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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