You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
