If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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