i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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