Three words: puerto rican gang bang
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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