I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Never joke about your clitoris.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
