I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
