Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
But break dance skills will only take you so far
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
