No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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