There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
