We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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