Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
