I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
