Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
where are you?
Hypothermia
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
