just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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