census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
