I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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