Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
