It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
