just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
