i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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