I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
there's paper in my vomit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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