Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
