On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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