Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Be still, my beating vagina.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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