you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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