How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
