I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
