What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
