Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
