3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize